Saturday, April 29, 2006

Objects attack, run, run!

There was a big, grinning rip in J's trousers. It surely wasn't there five minutes earlier. Instead of shopping, I decided to be a handy mother and took a needle in my hand, where no needle ever has felt reliable security. I didn't stick it in my eyes, but I sew the trousers into my own trousers. It will be the latest fashion of the Spring: the twintrousers. Just like in the movie the other trousers are major and the other trousers are minor, except that the lengthier trousers don't speak in Austrian accent. Nor are they governor of any state.

Anyway, I quit the needlework and took my brush, but it felt like it wanted to fly across the air. I picked it up and banged my head. My desk has already been in use in the beginning of the 20th century in the railway office. It's big, not padded. I dropped the brush again, but it wanted a CD as a company. I picked them up and put the CD back on the self. Unfortunately it wanted to attack a suicide and jumped down. It turned to be a nasty mass suicide for all the covers. Well, I don't fancy covers anyway.

So, I took the handheld vacuum cleaner and the plain funeral was over in seconds, or it would have been unless I wouldn't accidentally have vacuumed one plant too. The machine obviously didn't enjoy it's plastic 'n plants. I think it's a bit dead.

The cat stared at me suspiciously and greedy. We went to the kitchen and I opened the fridge.
The mayonnaise wanted to be on the floor. So did the fragments of glass. The cat ran through the mess. The fridge wanted to sing a fanfare to make sure I would not forget that the door was still open. There was a mystical green E4 mark flashing in the LCD panel. I took the cat-food out and poured it into the bowl, which was full of grapes.

The cat stares at me. I stare at the computer. Is it possible that objects somehow have hostile thoughts towards you?


occasional poster of comments said...

Have a look here. Or here, for a shorter description.

taigathefox said...

Thanks OPC, looks very interesting. I'll take a closer look after I have fixed the problems in this grey box front of me :)

Sopwith-Camel said...

The perversity of inanimate objects knows no bounds. Have you tried exorcising the fridge?

Dave said...

Just wanted to say that I'm back, and have enjoyed reading that you're still as bizarre as you were when I went away.

mimi buzzard said...

Sounds very strange to me. You'd better be careful around the house incase all the objects are turning against you.

Interpreter Pavlov said...

Well done OPC for digging out Paul Jennings, who isn't read much nowadays but who did a masterly line the misanthropic nature of THINGS. I do like the Siamese trousers. This opens up wide metaphysical possibilities.

Two Catalan ladies came to see us yesterday, wearing one pair of trousers each. They told us the Catalan for foxcubs is 'las guineuetas'. It must be easier to pronounce in Finnish?

occasional poster of comments said...

[wonders whether to admit he found the Paul Jennings piece some while ago when googling for toast]

taigathefox said...

"Just as a man is a Not- woman, he is also a Not-sideboard, a Not-airplane.
But this is as far as man can go in Thing-ness, and if it were not for women we could all die and be merged comfortably in the Universe or Ultimate Thing."

I had a horrible flashback of me sitting in the women's studies lesson.
I felt I was a Notman, a sideboard and an airplane, sucked into the Ultimate computer without my passport.
Luckily I had a chance to see the play Messieurs, les choses sont terribles whilst waiting my arrival.

In short I was gardening with 'las guineuetas' and thought about the I am a No-Thing to the world-thing. The rake agreed and hit me in the head.

Opc, why are you googling for toast?

Dave said...

'On' the head.

Unless it climbed in through your ear and started waving around in the inner emptiness.

Sorry. Pedantic English lesson over for another day.

taigathefox said...

Dave, glad to see you back raking up my innermost emptiness :)

occasional poster of comments said...

>>Opc, why are you googling for toast?<<

Googling for Toast - hmm, that could be the name of a Bowling for Soup tribute band.

Anyway, to answer your question, it seems I was a tad bored one December night last year (see the comments section).

taigathefox said...

Gee, that coleslaw on toast-chap was you :)

taigathefox said...

That was supposed to mean I read it some months ago (but didn't notice the links which is weird) and thought I should taste that one day. Still haven't, shoud I?

occasional poster of comments said...

If you like coleslaw and you like toast, then maybe you'd like it.

However, I should warn you that the same logic led me to eat weetabix with ketchup (yes, and milk) [shudders at the memory]. I was about 6 years old and had decided to make my own breakfast. I seem to remember it making me feel very unwell and telling my Mum that I couldn't eat any more because it was making me feel like an old man. I guess being old was about as unwell as I could imagine anyone being.

taigathefox said...

>>I guess being old was about as unwell as I could imagine anyone being.<<

[Trying to remember if I really ate that anti-wrinkle cream on toast]