The cubs and their friends are running in the backyard.
Suddenly they all stand still and start staring at each other.
They stare, stare and stare until my nerves crack.
Me: What are you actually doing there?
Kids: We are playing the Midas' arm.
Me: Oh, well.. erm... That's fine. [sit down thinking where did they catch that]
Strange man: [steps out from the bush behind]
There are bootleggers in the forest!
Me: [try my best not to scream] Really?
Strange man: [goggles at me and walks behind the corner, comes back, lights a pipe]
[goggles at me, mumbles something which sounds like an unpronounceable name for a woman and walks away]
Me: [try my best not to scream again]
J: [comes and sits by me] Mum. Do you remember K? (a girl from kindergarten)
J: [slightly annoyed tone in his voice] K and T (a boy from kindergarten) got married in the bushes.
J: It's ok. I was the matchmaker. [leaves]
Me: [try my best to think how old he was]
J: [comes back] Is it true that women like funny men?
Me: Erm, yes I suppose, or not. I don't know. [try not to scream again]
J: [in slightly annoyed tone again] I'm going to marry you then.
Me: Erm... [try to think what an earth it is supposed to say in the situations like that]
J: [stares at me ]
A: Mum, can I sing to you?
Me: Go ahead. [relieved and pleased]
A: This is called 20 Odes to the Burps. [starts to sing from an old Christmas carol note]
Hei mippomapponen burp hei mippomapponen burp hei mippomapponen burp...
Me: Thank you it was lovely...
A: [happily] Can I have the Crazy Frog dvd then?
Me: Erm, I don't think so.
J: [stops staring] If he can have it, I want the Jack Cousteau dvd box. It comes with a red cap.
Me: [gaze into the distance]
About my non-existent book - I’ve long been fascinated by the saga of Jim Crace’s Useless America, a book that never existed but, thanks to a typing error or a misheard phone call or...
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