Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Dust

I have been feeling relatively snappy these days. Not energetic, just have had that snappish tone in my voice and in my actions. In fact I have been so snappy, I fear I'm soon going to snap.
I can't stand waiting. Well, maybe if I love someone, I can a bit, but otherwise I become first tensioned, then irritated and finally saddened, especially if I can see I am constantly promised something I can't get, and even more if I can see that someone who promised me something isn't busy doing something, but just doesn't care. So that's when I start to be snappy.

Today, when I started to decide if I'm just like one of the Jill Greenberg's teased kids or just sad, I stepped on a dog shit with my new shoes.
Are the new shoes making me lively like Carrie Bradshaw? Could they make me finally write some quirky blog posts? No, they made me feel more like Leo Johnson. I made a drooling comment about my new shoes to myself and thought what to write.
As always, my mind was empty, as vast as the field nearby.

At the end of that field was a car park. At the end of the car park was my car. Behind my car were some Uni students dancing without music. They were wearing bright green overalls. They danced on the sand, happily. We had a snowstorm on Sunday, but quite suddenly it is spring now. The students just went on dancing happily when I thought if I should write about the fact that today is the spring equinox.

I also thought should I mention the fact that we used to look down on everybody wearing those bright University overalls. We wore black. We celebrated annoyingly, faking young intellectuals by drinking cheap Chianti and re-acting famous contemporary performances, until I reacted to the excess cheap Chianti drinking. But never dancing on the car park. Never.
Once we were making a performance of Da Vinci's Last Supper.
I was Jesus. When the press came, I was having a cigarette outside and it read on the paper: Jesus wasn't having the last supper, because she was having a fag outside.

I looked at the sky where six swans crossed the field and I felt so dusty and chained. I was picking up the kids from the daycare and wondered why my mind was suddenly so empty, just looking for more troubles and impossibilities, when I could just be happy with everything I have. I should be enjoying of all that, not be saddened by everything I won't have, but there I was, so desperately much wanting to try flying, feeling lonely and bit damp and watching how the last swan flew away.
Suddenly I wanted to have a friend to whom to tell all that there was, inside my blank mind. I wanted to have a walk and a talk, but my shitty shoes just seemed to be stuck on the field.

I was wondering should I write about all the lost friends, who just have disappeared somewhere or about the ones, I can't ever talk to. Few days ago I counted all the people I used to know and who had committed suicide. Five. All young men.

I thought about the boy who was sitting next to me when I started school. We were having almost similar names and were the only ones who could read. I read The Famous Five and he read dictionaries and I couldn't get him at all, because he didn't have any sense of humour, but I sat there next to him, because we did have almost similar names and he was shy and so bright, even when I always turned my head away from him.
After 10 years time he was my dancing partner when we had a high school ball. He was shy, so bright and had still no sense of humour, but he had chosen a wonderful white suit, which matched my blue dress perfectly. Five years later I saw him standing on the railway station. I walked away quickly and hoped he wouldn't have recognized me. I wish I had said he wasn't that bad at all.

Spring. The time when the most of the suicides are committed, except maybe in November. I love light and wondered why this season makes us so depressed.
For months we can just hide, be like some grumpy old bears, sleeping inside in the darkness. And suddenly the light, revealing everything.
All the dust on the tables, pale faces, dog hair stuck on the black trousers. We have to take our winter jackets off and let the others see what is left there after the long winter. Was it just the heavy jacket keeping us not falling apart?

17 comments:

Marsha Klein said...

Taiga, I think this is a difficult and miserable time of year, especially in the north (and I include Scotland in that). The nights are still long and the weather is cold but we have to face the fact that we are a year older and still haven't done lots of the things we intended to do the year before. Remember though that there are lots of us out here in the blogosphere to talk to and lots of us feel the way you do, I'm sure.

BiB said...

Taiga, life is hard. Always hard, I think, and the seasons often don't help by insisting on existing. I thought of this this very morning, envying my sister living in Spain who, presumably, gets 100 days' more warmth a year than I do (and, sorry to say, 150 more than you). So we have to make our perceptions of it good, if what we have is basically good. If what we have is bad, then we can/must/should change it, but if what we have is good, then I suppose there is an element of being content with your lot. You can still strive for better, but also be content. My god, you've even created new lives. I think that's pretty special (even if you do say, "Shut up, I'm at the computer.") And you've been Jesus. I've never ever read on a blog before, "I was Jesus." And you can speak Finnish. Say, "tottelemattomuudestansa" out loud 12 times and think how lucky you are not to have been born in Sweden. And, yes, Marsha is right. Talk to us galore.

And someone found my blog yesterday with, "Taiga Fish Eat What?" I didn't even know you had a fishy incarnation, as well as a foxy one. You have very many strings to your bow.

Marsha Klein said...

Also make the most of your computer time while it lasts. These days I have to beg my children for permission to use our computer (and then they stand beside me, tutting and saying "Are you finished yet?").

Marsha Klein said...

Also make the most of your computer time while it lasts. These days I have to beg my children for permission to use our computer (and then they stand beside me, tutting and saying "Are you finished yet?").

miss-cellany said...

Taiga, am in enduring honour of you being 'smoking Jesus', and you always seem to be out there when the clouds roll over this way. The blogosphere seems to be a wonderful place in which to feel a little contact on days like these. So yes, as the others have said, talk away - we are here.

Thankyou for reminding me it was spring equinox - I used to live in a place where everyone in the community came out and celebrated. The city has seeped that away, and I only know that it's full moon by chance these days. Too much concrete...

I don't know if you've found our writers website (www.bloc-online.cam) but if not check it out, not least because it would be lovely if you would submit something (when the words are begging to get out again), but also because there's story on there - about shoes (by me)... Might provide a bit of distraction xx

Taiga the Fox said...

Thank you all so much. You know, you are so lovely :)

Marsha, exactly! I seem to get this bit miserable phase every year, when my birthday is getting closer. Last year it was in the beginning of the May. Now at the end-ish of March. Next year in January and soon enough I will be miserable for the whole year [sigh].
But actually I think this time it is something more just than getting too old.

Scotland? North? Blimey. Well, if you look Scotland from Spain, it is north, but from here, well, not :)
But actually, up here, the light just gets stronger and stronger, day by day, until the night disappears. I love that, but at the same time it is bit too much after the winter.

Hmm... when my cubs are old enough, they can have a computer of their own. I don't share.

Taiga the Fox said...

BiB, you really can choose your words :)

You know, I've been heading towards the change for almost a year and I thought it could be possible, but now... just now everything seems just so hopeless. But it is just another moody whim of my gloomy brain and everything will be quite ok again, I suppose exactly at the same time when I see the first glimpse of the spring green.

Taiga Fish Eat What? :)
Well, if he/she asks again tell I like smoked salmon, smoked carp bream and zander soup most.
Somebody has found my blog during the last week with these:
What is something famous with Taiga?
What fish Taiga lives?
How much rain did Taiga get?

Oh almost forgot.
tottelemattomuudestansa tottelemattomuudestansa tottelemattomuudestansa tottelemattomuudestansa
tottelemattomuudestansa tottelemattomuudestansa tottelemattomuudestansa tottelemattomuudestansa tottelemattomuudestansa tottelemattomuudestansa tottelemattomuudestansa tottelemattomuudestansa

Now it's your turn :)

Taiga the Fox said...

Miss-cellany, thanks :)

Actually long before I was the Smoking Jesus, when I was around 8, I scared our silent neigbourhood by playing the crusified Jesus. I was pretty good at hanging from the tree.

Oh, and I have been reading Bloc since last November. Funny, I just thought you would know somehow.

But you are far too kind. I possibly won't submit anything, because I really can't express myself properly in English. I don't know which language you learnt first at school (French?), but I think it might feel bit similar if you tried to publish something written in a foreign language you have badly learnt at school some time ago. But thanks again. You made me feel good :)

Sopwith-Camel said...

"I stepped on a dog shit with my new shoes."

Very wise of you, because if your old shoes are anything like mine, they'd be full of holes.

Taiga the Fox said...

Actually, there is a hole in the old ones, which were not that old and they were pretty expensive too, so I can't understand exactly how.
Maybe it's because I have so called Moomin toes. They tend to brake everything.

I seem to be creating an interesting profile.
Smoking jesus with moomin toes.

Dave said...

I think you are lovely. OK?

Taiga the Fox said...

Ok, dave, if you say so ... [blushes]

Fi said...

English is my first (only) language but I'm not capable of expressing raw emotion in the way that you have/do.

I hope things lift and grow lighter for you soon.

Inspired by your random creativity I've posted a picture on my blog in your honour. xFi

miss-cellany said...

Please submit something for bloc. Your writing is just beautiful, I couldn't even attempt to do what you do in French or any other language, struggle with English at times too.

Also completely agree with what Fi said - it's the emotion that counts, and your writing is powerful and vibrant always.

Oh, and as complete safety parachute, to catch you gently as you come into land, I'm a pretty good editor, so can put plasters on any grammar cuts and bruises...

Teenage Kicks, for next ed. could Smoking Jesus come out to play? :)

Taiga the Fox said...

Aww...thanks to both of you :)

Smoking Jesus may say yes. When is the deadline?

miss-cellany said...

Have sent you an email for Smoking Jesus, can you pass it on to him? x :)

Taiga the Fox said...

M-c, smoking jesus got the message delivered, but can't read/write any mail now, because of a flippin' server error, but asked me to say she tries hard to, if doesn't run out of fags or gasoline before the weekend.